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Sep. 11th, 2009


I Can Feel You All Around Me

Well I am a senior. It doesn't seem possible that I've made it this far in college when my high school graduation doesn't feel so long ago. Jack has been gone for almost 9 months and sometimes it seems like it's been a lot longer than that and sometimes I don't even believe he's really gone. It's crazy.

The summer wasn't too bad. I didn't work as much as I needed to because the pool people had their heads in their asses all summer but I at least made a little bit of money which was helpful. I still need to find a job. There is a chance that I could replace Dave at Hot Topic when he moves to London but I am going to apply at this tool place near my apartment to see if I can work there before Dave leaves. My 21st birthday is coming up in 10 days. Finally I will able to buy alcohol. We're all going to the Maryland Renn Faire (parents and friends) and having a grand old time there.

I'm not really even sure why I'm updating this. I want to go do something tonight but I don't know what. I need a shower so I'm gonna go get on that.

May. 28th, 2009


One of those nights

It's like 4:30 and I've only tried to sleep once about 3 hours ago. I drank an amp at like 11 so I was extremely wired. Now I just don't feel like sleeping. I have about a million and a half things to update on since my last entry of Feb 10 or whenever it was.

1. I somehow survived spring semester though it was extremely difficult and my grades weren't what I wanted (though better than I expected). I am now a senior in college and on track to graduate in May of next year.
2. I was hired to be a lifeguard at the pool in my neighborhood about a month ago but Memorial Day has come and gone and I still haven't worked yet. They have screwed me over about 100 times but I'm hoping that $12 an hour/40 hours a week will make up for it.
3. My grandpa has cancer. It's been up and down with how bad it is, but my dad keeps telling me "expect the worst." Wonderful.
4. Alex and I have been together for 5 months. His parents love me. His friends love me. And my parents/friends love him. Word.
5. Two of my cousins are graduating high school within the next...48-60 hours and I won't see either. Bummer.
6. My mom is super stressed because her family is crazy and no one will stand up to my grandmother. Anyone surprised? Nope.
7. One of my best friends from high school is (finally) engaged to her boyfriend of almost 5 years.
8. On that note, it seems like almost everyone I know is either married, engaged, married with a child or married and pregnant. Holy crap, I'm I really old enough to have friends like that? I guess so.
9. My little brother is 14 and probably smokes more pot than I do. Scary. I'm more worried about him getting in legal trouble than anything else.
10. I tore apart my room and rearranged it and it felt great to move all that stuff and clean and organize and I moved everything myself.
11. I still miss Jackson. He's been gone 5 months and this isn't getting any easier. If someone figures out how to make it easier, let me know?

Anyway...I REALLY should get to bed. We're supposed to be moving stuff around in Alex's house/room. His bed has plastic wrap on it to keep the mattress from collecting dust but it's so fucking loud when he or I moves I have no idea how I'll actually get to sleep. I guess I'll try.

PS. 12. I've seen Star Trek in the theaters three times tying my record with Titanic, the first LOTR movie and the first Harry Potter movie. I have to say the movie is great, especially for a Trekkie like me. There is a lot of action for the new fans and a lot of inside jokes for the old fans. I LOVE the new cast, they are perfect.

Feb. 10th, 2009


It's been too long

I haven't updated in ages. It hasn't been that I've been neglecting LJ, I've just been neglecting journaling period. I don't know when I last wrote in my diary. January 24 I took a plunge into the Chesapeake Bay for the Polar Bear Plunge and helped raise money for the Maryland Special Olympics. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to do it again next year.

Losing Jackson has sort of been a shock to my spirital system. Not that I've been questioning what I believe, just sort of adding in something new to it. I haven't really had the chance to think about this sort of thing, he is the first person very close to me that I've lost. It has just put a new spin on things and it definitely feels like I'm growing spiritually.

I'm trying to find a job. I've applied to be a police aide which probably isn't the best idea however, I need to have some sort of income while I'm in school, since I believe it should be easier to find a job for this summer, especially with all of the lifeguarding experience I have.

Homework sucks. Being in two creative writing classes sucks. Being in two lit classes sucks. The only class that doesn't suck is theater and I'm already not doing well on the quizes. I really need to get an A in one of my classes this semester in order to bring up my GPA. Anyway...I have class at 8 and I'm not remotely tired and it's already 3:30. I need to go to bed but I don't feel well at all.

Blah. I'm in a weird mood.

Jan. 5th, 2009


Updating a little

It's been about two weeks since I've written. Thankfully this break has gone by pretty fast. I caught myself tearing up over Jackson today. Not really sure why, just started thinking about him. I'm gonna go see him before I head back to school. I've worked the last five days in a row and I work again tomorrow. Not until the late afternoon though, so it shouldn't be too bad. Then I'm off for three days and Alex is driving up to stay with me for a few days and I'm going to see one of my best friends from high school who I haven't seen in forever. Since sometime this summer. The Secret Life of the American Teenager premiers tonight and I'm a little too excited about it. I know the acting isn't that great but it's a guilty pleasure. Britt wants to hang out with me so I'll probably catch it on the internet sometime tomorrow. Less than two weeks and I'll be back home. I'm going down on Friday the 16th. My cat is sitting in my lap right now and it's moments like these that completely outweigh him being a brat. He's so cute and I miss him so much while I'm at school. One of these days my parents will let me take him, since he is MY cat. My dad has been watching the West Wing recently. I brought home season 1 and my ex has been burning his roommates seasons for us. I am completely ready to get back to school. I hate working, even thought I've got to do it when I get back. It's dinner time.

Dec. 20th, 2008



I haven't written in here in a while. I haven't really wanted to. I'm home. Exams went ok. I got a B in Prose, B- in Criminology, B in Anthro, B in Hate crimes and a C+ in Brit Lit. I'm not happy with it but it isn't terrible. I started a new job. I'm working at Jo Ann Fabrics. It isn't fun and I'm still incredibly shy around everyone but at least it's money. Unfortunately my first day when I was training I found out one of my friends from my old job, Freedom Center, killed himself. These past few days have been pretty rough but I've had a lot of support from my friends and family and I'm really grateful for it. The funeral is this morning. I woke up at 8 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I went to the viewing last night and just keep picturing him lying there. I can't believe he's really gone. I know it happens. Everyone dies. It's just hard when it's so unexpected and it's some one so young. He was only 18. My heart goes out to his family.

I'm not really looking forward to Christmas. I'm ready for this break to be over. I'm ready to be back home.

Dec. 7th, 2008


Writer's Block: Infamous

Today is known to some as the Day of Infamy, in commemoration of what happened at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. In your lifetime, what date sticks out as the most memorable in terms of world events?
The most memorable of course for me is the attacks on Sept 11 2001. I was in 8th grade and I still remember exactly what happened as if it were yesterday. And I don't think I'll ever forget how angry I was.

The other two events that will stick out in my mind besides in 9/11 attacks.
The shootings at Virginia Tech on April 16 2007.
And the election of Barack Obama November 4 2008.

The VT shootings hit me a lot harder than most of the students in the rest of the country, living in Virginia and having my boyfriend at the time just graduate from VT the Dec before it.

Dec. 3rd, 2008


Haven't Updated In A While

So it's been a few weeks since I've updated. Not much is going on. Less than two weeks before I head home, I'm excited. Though I have no job. Not excited about that, I need some where to work. My mom is helping me find a place to work. A few nights ago my friend Kyle was standing outside and a cat came up to him and started rubbing his leg. We let him inside and gave him some food and put him back outside after a few minutes. A few days later, Carly let him inside and fed him. He's inside hanging out with us now. He's really friendly but neither of us are going to be home for break so we're not quite sure what we're going to do yet.

I'm ready to be home and see my friends from high school and see my parents.

Nov. 7th, 2008


I Will Sing My Best For You Tonight

I am sad that California is passing Proposition 8. It really makes me horribly angry and sad at the same time that a state came so far only to get pushed back down again. I thought the founders of this country wrote down that all men were created equal. But apparently not if they love other men. Now, I go back and forth on my position on marriage. I don't know if I want to get legally married whether I'm with a man or a woman. I don't think it's possible to promise to love some one forever. But I think should I make that decision, I would like the right to marry whoever I want. I talk about moving out of the country all the time, how I just want to get away from America and how backwards we seem to be when it comes to homosexuality. After electing Barack Obama, I have found a renewed faith in America. Part of me wants to stay and fight the establishment until we are equal citizens of this country. Seperate is NOT equal and marriage is not a "special right." This just sucks.

That being said, I've got a paper/exam to write tonight and I'm procrastinating horribly. I need to get working but I have no motivation what so ever. I know it's terrible but I just really don't care anymore. I'm ready to get to winter break and go home. I have to call Hot Topic tomorrow to see if I can get a job there. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to them but...oh well.

Honestly, I'm ready to quit school and move on with my life. I have a few good ideas with what I want to do and none of them include sitting on my ass anywhere. I want to go out and see the world. I want to learn about societies and LIVE in them, not study about them from text books sitting in a classroom. I want to experience everything I possibly can. I want to get the hell out of here. Now. I want to stop writing mundane papers and bullshit and go backpacking across Europe or teach English to students in other countries or donate my time/money/energy to impoverished third world countries. I want to make a fucking difference to some one. I want to help people. I want to save lives. I want to give everything I have to do something important in this world. Instead I'm sitting on my ass writing papers and exams and doing homework and bullshit. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of living. I'm ready to feel ALIVE.

Nov. 5th, 2008


Making History

Last night was amazing. I cannot believe America really did it. We elected the first black president. I cannot describe how proud of the US I was last night watching all of the coverage. We've really made history. I've found renewed faith in America. And this was my first vote for president. It's amazing.

Nov. 3rd, 2008


I'm Biting My Tongue Trying To Think This Through

Open Diary is doing NoJoMo and I missed the first two days. It's supposed to be one entry per day. I'm going to keep up with them though. Heroes is a repeat tonight. I went to a concert on Halloween night. Last week I met a guy at a friend's party who is in a band called Life's Only Lesson and I found out that he was playing a show with My Favorite Highway (a local band from home that I love). So I chilled with his band for the day and went to the show with him. I might go see them play a show this Saturday. I was up all night writing a paper. Not fun. I've got an exam due on Friday. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Jer is coming to get me from school tonight and we're going to her voting place tomorrow then I'm going to my place after I get out of class. Then I might be going to an ACLU party and then Jer is coming to get me and we're gonna watch election coverage all night. Or at least until they declare a winner.
Blah. I'll catch ya later.

May 10 by Life's Only Lesson

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