You Can't Handle This

Well I am a senior. It doesn't seem possible that I've made it this far in college when my high school graduation doesn't feel so long ago. Jack has been gone for almost 9 months and sometimes it seems like it's been a lot longer than that and sometimes I don't even believe he's really gone. It's crazy.

The summer wasn't too bad. I didn't work as much as I needed to because the pool people had their heads in their asses all summer but I at least made a little bit of money which was helpful. I still need to find a job. There is a chance that I could replace Dave at Hot Topic when he moves to London but I am going to apply at this tool place near my apartment to see if I can work there before Dave leaves. My 21st birthday is coming up in 10 days. Finally I will able to buy alcohol. We're all going to the Maryland Renn Faire (parents and friends) and having a grand old time there.

I'm not really even sure why I'm updating this. I want to go do something tonight but I don't know what. I need a shower so I'm gonna go get on that.

It's like 4:30 and I've only tried to sleep once about 3 hours ago. I drank an amp at like 11 so I was extremely wired. Now I just don't feel like sleeping. I have about a million and a half things to update on since my last entry of Feb 10 or whenever it was.

1. I somehow survived spring semester though it was extremely difficult and my grades weren't what I wanted (though better than I expected). I am now a senior in college and on track to graduate in May of next year.
2. I was hired to be a lifeguard at the pool in my neighborhood about a month ago but Memorial Day has come and gone and I still haven't worked yet. They have screwed me over about 100 times but I'm hoping that $12 an hour/40 hours a week will make up for it.
3. My grandpa has cancer. It's been up and down with how bad it is, but my dad keeps telling me "expect the worst." Wonderful.
4. Alex and I have been together for 5 months. His parents love me. His friends love me. And my parents/friends love him. Word.
5. Two of my cousins are graduating high school within the next...48-60 hours and I won't see either. Bummer.
6. My mom is super stressed because her family is crazy and no one will stand up to my grandmother. Anyone surprised? Nope.
7. One of my best friends from high school is (finally) engaged to her boyfriend of almost 5 years.
8. On that note, it seems like almost everyone I know is either married, engaged, married with a child or married and pregnant. Holy crap, I'm I really old enough to have friends like that? I guess so.
9. My little brother is 14 and probably smokes more pot than I do. Scary. I'm more worried about him getting in legal trouble than anything else.
10. I tore apart my room and rearranged it and it felt great to move all that stuff and clean and organize and I moved everything myself.
11. I still miss Jackson. He's been gone 5 months and this isn't getting any easier. If someone figures out how to make it easier, let me know?

Anyway...I REALLY should get to bed. We're supposed to be moving stuff around in Alex's house/room. His bed has plastic wrap on it to keep the mattress from collecting dust but it's so fucking loud when he or I moves I have no idea how I'll actually get to sleep. I guess I'll try.

PS. 12. I've seen Star Trek in the theaters three times tying my record with Titanic, the first LOTR movie and the first Harry Potter movie. I have to say the movie is great, especially for a Trekkie like me. There is a lot of action for the new fans and a lot of inside jokes for the old fans. I LOVE the new cast, they are perfect.

I haven't updated in ages. It hasn't been that I've been neglecting LJ, I've just been neglecting journaling period. I don't know when I last wrote in my diary. January 24 I took a plunge into the Chesapeake Bay for the Polar Bear Plunge and helped raise money for the Maryland Special Olympics. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to do it again next year.

Losing Jackson has sort of been a shock to my spirital system. Not that I've been questioning what I believe, just sort of adding in something new to it. I haven't really had the chance to think about this sort of thing, he is the first person very close to me that I've lost. It has just put a new spin on things and it definitely feels like I'm growing spiritually.

I'm trying to find a job. I've applied to be a police aide which probably isn't the best idea however, I need to have some sort of income while I'm in school, since I believe it should be easier to find a job for this summer, especially with all of the lifeguarding experience I have.

Homework sucks. Being in two creative writing classes sucks. Being in two lit classes sucks. The only class that doesn't suck is theater and I'm already not doing well on the quizes. I really need to get an A in one of my classes this semester in order to bring up my GPA. Anyway...I have class at 8 and I'm not remotely tired and it's already 3:30. I need to go to bed but I don't feel well at all.

Blah. I'm in a weird mood.

It's been about two weeks since I've written. Thankfully this break has gone by pretty fast. I caught myself tearing up over Jackson today. Not really sure why, just started thinking about him. I'm gonna go see him before I head back to school. I've worked the last five days in a row and I work again tomorrow. Not until the late afternoon though, so it shouldn't be too bad. Then I'm off for three days and Alex is driving up to stay with me for a few days and I'm going to see one of my best friends from high school who I haven't seen in forever. Since sometime this summer. The Secret Life of the American Teenager premiers tonight and I'm a little too excited about it. I know the acting isn't that great but it's a guilty pleasure. Britt wants to hang out with me so I'll probably catch it on the internet sometime tomorrow. Less than two weeks and I'll be back home. I'm going down on Friday the 16th. My cat is sitting in my lap right now and it's moments like these that completely outweigh him being a brat. He's so cute and I miss him so much while I'm at school. One of these days my parents will let me take him, since he is MY cat. My dad has been watching the West Wing recently. I brought home season 1 and my ex has been burning his roommates seasons for us. I am completely ready to get back to school. I hate working, even thought I've got to do it when I get back. It's dinner time.

I haven't written in here in a while. I haven't really wanted to. I'm home. Exams went ok. I got a B in Prose, B- in Criminology, B in Anthro, B in Hate crimes and a C+ in Brit Lit. I'm not happy with it but it isn't terrible. I started a new job. I'm working at Jo Ann Fabrics. It isn't fun and I'm still incredibly shy around everyone but at least it's money. Unfortunately my first day when I was training I found out one of my friends from my old job, Freedom Center, killed himself. These past few days have been pretty rough but I've had a lot of support from my friends and family and I'm really grateful for it. The funeral is this morning. I woke up at 8 and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I went to the viewing last night and just keep picturing him lying there. I can't believe he's really gone. I know it happens. Everyone dies. It's just hard when it's so unexpected and it's some one so young. He was only 18. My heart goes out to his family.

I'm not really looking forward to Christmas. I'm ready for this break to be over. I'm ready to be back home.

The most memorable of course for me is the attacks on Sept 11 2001. I was in 8th grade and I still remember exactly what happened as if it were yesterday. And I don't think I'll ever forget how angry I was.

The other two events that will stick out in my mind besides in 9/11 attacks.
The shootings at Virginia Tech on April 16 2007.
And the election of Barack Obama November 4 2008.

The VT shootings hit me a lot harder than most of the students in the rest of the country, living in Virginia and having my boyfriend at the time just graduate from VT the Dec before it.

So it's been a few weeks since I've updated. Not much is going on. Less than two weeks before I head home, I'm excited. Though I have no job. Not excited about that, I need some where to work. My mom is helping me find a place to work. A few nights ago my friend Kyle was standing outside and a cat came up to him and started rubbing his leg. We let him inside and gave him some food and put him back outside after a few minutes. A few days later, Carly let him inside and fed him. He's inside hanging out with us now. He's really friendly but neither of us are going to be home for break so we're not quite sure what we're going to do yet.

I'm ready to be home and see my friends from high school and see my parents.

I am sad that California is passing Proposition 8. It really makes me horribly angry and sad at the same time that a state came so far only to get pushed back down again. I thought the founders of this country wrote down that all men were created equal. But apparently not if they love other men. Now, I go back and forth on my position on marriage. I don't know if I want to get legally married whether I'm with a man or a woman. I don't think it's possible to promise to love some one forever. But I think should I make that decision, I would like the right to marry whoever I want. I talk about moving out of the country all the time, how I just want to get away from America and how backwards we seem to be when it comes to homosexuality. After electing Barack Obama, I have found a renewed faith in America. Part of me wants to stay and fight the establishment until we are equal citizens of this country. Seperate is NOT equal and marriage is not a "special right." This just sucks.

That being said, I've got a paper/exam to write tonight and I'm procrastinating horribly. I need to get working but I have no motivation what so ever. I know it's terrible but I just really don't care anymore. I'm ready to get to winter break and go home. I have to call Hot Topic tomorrow to see if I can get a job there. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to them but...oh well.

Honestly, I'm ready to quit school and move on with my life. I have a few good ideas with what I want to do and none of them include sitting on my ass anywhere. I want to go out and see the world. I want to learn about societies and LIVE in them, not study about them from text books sitting in a classroom. I want to experience everything I possibly can. I want to get the hell out of here. Now. I want to stop writing mundane papers and bullshit and go backpacking across Europe or teach English to students in other countries or donate my time/money/energy to impoverished third world countries. I want to make a fucking difference to some one. I want to help people. I want to save lives. I want to give everything I have to do something important in this world. Instead I'm sitting on my ass writing papers and exams and doing homework and bullshit. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of living. I'm ready to feel ALIVE.

Last night was amazing. I cannot believe America really did it. We elected the first black president. I cannot describe how proud of the US I was last night watching all of the coverage. We've really made history. I've found renewed faith in America. And this was my first vote for president. It's amazing.

Open Diary is doing NoJoMo and I missed the first two days. It's supposed to be one entry per day. I'm going to keep up with them though. Heroes is a repeat tonight. I went to a concert on Halloween night. Last week I met a guy at a friend's party who is in a band called Life's Only Lesson and I found out that he was playing a show with My Favorite Highway (a local band from home that I love). So I chilled with his band for the day and went to the show with him. I might go see them play a show this Saturday. I was up all night writing a paper. Not fun. I've got an exam due on Friday. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Jer is coming to get me from school tonight and we're going to her voting place tomorrow then I'm going to my place after I get out of class. Then I might be going to an ACLU party and then Jer is coming to get me and we're gonna watch election coverage all night. Or at least until they declare a winner.
Blah. I'll catch ya later.

May 10 by Life's Only Lesson

So fall break is over and I'm about to start the weekend (tomorrow). I didn't do much this weekend. I read what I needed to read in Frankenstein and did my paper (all last night). I stayed up way too late and slept in basically all day. I watched a lot of slam poets, youtube clips from Def Poetry Jam. My favorite poets are Geoff Trunchard and a guy called Rives. I've watched clips of a lot of their other poems that weren't on Def Poetry. I've been writing a lot too, or at least getting ideas. I've written one so far and started a second but it seems my inspiration has dried up, or my writers block has come back. I may have to watch several more hours of Def Poetry in order to get it back. I'm not going to post it up here. I'm avoiding homework at the moment. I'm also really tired. So I will probably just read this article and then go to bed. I really need some sleep. I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow night. A friend has invited me to a party so I might go to that. Saturday I'm campaigning for Obama and probably going to No Shame. I probably won't read anything since I haven't prepared and I'm already writing much better stuff than what I've got now. Hopefully I can work on the performance part, since I've got a poem in mind.

I was going to rant about the Postsecret facebook group but honestly I'm just too tired. I'm really too tired for much.

So my fall break started about an hour ago. I had a midterm this morning that was alright, I could have done better but...oh well. The bug situation has been better but I just found a gigantic cricket, which is dying in my kitchen. I hate bugs. I really do. I have a date tonight. I think. Well, sorta. I would like to go to sleep, but it's very hard for me to sleep in this house with all of these bugs.

BLAH!

It hurts. It hurts so much to see you upset, knowing that I can't do one single fucking thing about it.
It hurts to see you hate your body, when I think you are so beautiful.
It hurts that you don't talk to me. That you can't talk to me. That you won't talk to me.
I wish you could just talk to me.
Even if you can't talk to me, I'm here for you no matter what.
A hug. A laugh. Anything.
I love you. More than you'll ever possibly know.

Everything I ever wanted was you and me.

OD is offline right now. I really need to write in there, rather than in here. But I'll write in here while I'm waiting for it to be back online. I'm currently not working on a paper that is due at 8am. I'm kind of stupid.
I don't know whats going on with me right now.
I was so happy about 30 minutes ago.
Now I just feel like shit.
I mean I know why, I just wish it didn't affect (effect?) me like this.
Fuck. Me. I hate my life.

142 days. You don't have to know what. Just know.

So it's Sunday. Jerica and I stayed up all night Thursday working on a take home exam. We managed to sleep from 2pm-6pm. Friday night Rose came over and she dyed her hair and I tried to highlight Jerica's. Jerica and I stayed up all night again on Friday night but it's because we had to get up early to see Barack Obama. He was at the shipyard so we got over to the school around 7 to wait for the kids who were going from CNU. We got to the place around 7:30 and waited in line until like 10 when they let us in to the place. Then we found out the Obama wasn't even going to come out and speak until 12:30 so we all sat down on the wet grass until like 12:15. Then a bunch of people came out and babbled. Finally Obama came out at like 1. We were all excited about it and took a bunch of pictures but we were all so tired that we left about 10 minutes after he started speaking. We took a nap when we got home and then got Jerica's cat and brought her over to my place so we could bug bomb her apartment. I re-dyed my hair and then we went back over to clean her place. We got to bed around 3 and I actually slept until like 1:30. The Cowboys game is on a little later. I really want the Redskins to lose today. I have to come up with questions for a girl for my interview paper. I also have to look at some one else's paper to see how they did theirs because I really have no idea. I'm ready for this semester to be over. We aren't even halfway through yet and I'm already tired of it. UGH. I'm gonna go lay down on the couch.

Summer Skin by Death Cab For Cutie

So it's 1:34am and I'm about to start my 5 page on a paper that will likely be 13-15 pages by the time I'm done with it. I'm making very good progress as long as I stay off of this computer and typing on my laptop. I've got the Pandora music player up and it's been playing a good mix of music from soundtracks and other stuff. The song I told it to play first was The Steward of Gondor from the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (also where the title of this entry comes from). I came home this weekend to go to Renn Fair with my mom and it ended up raining. We only stayed for a few hours and as soon as we got to the car the sun came out. We went to the Occoquan craft fair and there was actually some cool stuff there. I got a wooden flute, a CD, a tie dye skirt and an awesome tie with sheep on it that I will probably just hang on my wall. My mom got me a Fairy Tarot set and my aunt and cousin got me some Cowboys stuff. I don't even want to hear about the terrible terrible game against the Redskins. I've got to put it out of my mind. I got stuck at home because there was a mess up with the train. I'm glad I'm still here though, it makes doing this paper a lot easier. At home (school home) I would be so distracted. Way more so than I am now. We've got to leave to get to Union Station around 5:30 which means I've only got about four hours left to finish my paper, reorganize my bag and take a shower. I don't want to leave here without finishing my paper and I'm afraid if I try to do anything in between now and finishing my paper, it won't get done. I'm soooo worried about this paper. It's not worth a whole lot but I still want to do well on it. Anyway...I'm done procrastinating. Goodnight.

Fuck.
That's pretty much all I have to say at this point.
Fuck it all. Everything. Life. People. Fuck.
Just fuck.

So...I know it's been a few days. This weekend was super busy. Thursday Jerica and I ran all over town to get a bunch of shit and I was up late doing homework and freaking myself out about a video we watched in Anthropology. Friday after classes we had to go back to her apartment and get her cat, bug bomb her place, come to my house and clean, go back to her house and clean, and go shopping for snacks. Then I had a small party at my place. We played Kings and Asshole. Saturday I slept in a little and went to go get a cat but we didn't have time and by the time we went back the adoptions were closed for the day. We went back to Jerica's and did some tie dye. Some of them turned out pretty cool but the colors faded really badly after we washed them. Sunday we spent the whole day at Busch Gardens riding roller coasters and going around through all of the Howl-O-Scream stuff. A few of our friends were working in the haunted houses so we went through them all to see them. They were a lot of fun. Not too scary but not too lame either. I really need a nap. Heroes Season Premier is on tonight. I'm not going to ACLU or poetry club. I got a little sick yesterday and don't wanna make anyone else sick. There was a gigantic spider in here earlier and I'm afraid to really go anywhere in this place in case it's there. BLAH I really hate this place.

I keep updating this when I'm up really late and I haven't really had the energy or the time to give it a proper update. Other than my serious lack of sleep last week, the last few weeks have been pretty good. I've joined the CNU chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union, our College Libertarians group and have been made Co-president for PESO. I'm very excited for the events coming up and this semester. We are having a drum circle on campus on October 2, today is Constitution Day and I will be attending some sort of event in the Ballroom. The Libertarians are having a speaker whose name escapes me at the moment, but he's running for Senate. My birthday is coming up this weekend and I will be very busy with a party, Pagan Pride Day, and Busch Gardens. The next weekend I'm heading home for Renn Faire. This week PESO has a table set up in the DSU to get the word out about our club since we didn't have a table at the club fair. I finished reading the Harry Potter series and this morning I started on Mirror, Mirror which is written by the same guy who wrote Wicked. The next two days are going to be pretty busy. I've got an anthro project to work on tonight, a narrative to finish for Friday and another criminology article to do for Friday. Luckily we didn't have one due today. I got surprisingly a lot of sleep last night. I fell asleep watching Family Guy and moved to by bed around 10. I've had some pretty bad headaches over the last two weeks. It seems like they only go away for a few hours and then come back. I may have to go to the doctor soon if they don't go away. I've also been exploring my spiritual side a little more, doing more research into Wicca. I will soon move on to other Pagan paths once I get through the book I have on Wicca. I did a circle last night by myself and felt great, I will definitely be doing more, especially when I'm upset/scared. That's pretty much it. It feels weird knowing I've only got about 4 days left to be a teenager. I'm glad I'm going to be spending it at Busch Gardens. Anyway...gotta go.

Well shit. It's 5am. What the fuck is wrong with me? This is going to be the second all nighter I've had this week. I didn't get much sleep Sunday night. I was up from 10am Tuesday to 9am Wednesday. Got about four hours of sleep last night. I'm not going to get any sleep tonight and after my 8am class I have more homework to do before my 1pm class. It shouldn't take me too long though. This week was bad and I was a huge slacker. I really need to cut that out. I can't do this again. Open Diary was hacked again so I'm really pissed that I can't write in there tonight. I've been up writing a narrative for my English class and reading an article for my criminology class. After Jerica gets out her English class we will probably go to the couches in the Dave and crash. I don't know how I'm going to make it home on the bus without passing out. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day without passing out. I'm already extremely tired from my lack of sleep last night. I'm going to take a shower in a few minutes and hope that wakes me up a little. It's stupid to try and sleep now when I've only got an hour and a half before I'd have to be up again. It's only three fucking weeks into school and I'm doing this shit. This year is going to be crazy hard. I don't know if I'm going to make it without cracking. And I don't even have a job yet. I don't even know what to try anymore. I'll probably go to the mall sometime this weekend and try to get applications to like Hot Topic and Spencers. I would love to work at a place that didn't tell me I have to take out all my piercings. I think I'm going to lose my fucking mind before the end of this year. If I make to to January in one piece, I will be completely amazed. My birthday is next weekend. I'm having some friends over on Friday and then possibly going to Pagan Pride Day on Saturday and Busch Gardens on Sunday. The weekend after that I'm going home to go to Renn Faire with my parents and hopefully to of my best friends from highschool who go to Radford and UVA so I never get to see them. I'm gonna have to take the train up there though. I don't really mind. I like the train and I'm sure I will have a shit load of homework to do. I am like super hyped up on Vault but at the same time I can hardly keep my eyes open. I should go take a shower so I don't pass out at my computer.

PS. I hate the new Facebook.

Song: With You by Linkin Park